What does a relationship mean?

After four relationships, I still find myself at a familiar crossroads of self-reflection - how one should feel in a relationship or sustain it, just as with my previous relationships.

Perhaps the issue isn't about giving "too much" or "too little," but rather how I've approached relationships as transactions.

Should we give as much as we take? Or do we give and simply embrace what comes? Where is the balance of not becoming the one who loves too much?

I was afraid of becoming one who loves too much, and I was not one to begin with.

I've always treated each relationship as a transaction.

After all, as someone who doesn't want a family, my alternative is to live life as fulfilling as possible with the resources I've created. Nothing is more fulfilling than me loving myself and giving myself the best.

Is this the main reason why each relationship fails? Contented from self fulfilment surely does not help I guess? The couples whom stays together, are still together, how do they do it? The couples who gives as much as they could, how selfless can they be?

Maybe the path forward isn't calculating what's "fair" but rather asking: What would it feel like to give without expectation? To be present without thinking about what I'm getting in return?

But I cannot do it. At least, I do not feel my approach is wrong. Probably I have not met someone with the same idealogy, someone whose values truly align. To me, I love myself more and at times like this, it makes me stronger than before.

I met my younger self today

She chose a fancy cafe.
I am more particular on the taste.

She had colourful drink and fancy big breakfast.
I had crossiant and ice Americano.

Her choice of bright red hair and highlights.
My ash brown hair stays neat and simple.

She was in floral and heels.
I am just in neutrals and flats.
"You do not need anymore height babe."

She took every photo possible, of food and selfie.
I basked in the present, people watch.

"I regret not continuing arts," she said.
"Hahaha, you will graduate in Mathematics." I replied.

Her eyes sparkle, talking about her first job, at 21.
I knew about the retrenchment ahead.

"I want a Valentine's bouquet."
"Chill. It will come, but it matter less than you think."

"How do people do things alone?"
"You'll find peace in solitude."

But some things never change.

We both swipe right on life and love,
Neither of us settles,
This remains constant.

She wondered about making the right choices.
I wondered if she will be proud of me. 🤷

Her laughter, her spirit, warms me up.
And that familar goodbye hug?

Maybe we'll have coffee again. ☕ 

4 Years update

3 months into 2024 - Turning 31, in a mid-life crisis (that is assuming my lifespan is 60), quitted my toxic job and travelled for 2 months.

From 2020 to 2023 was uneventful with the same job, increasing toxic environment and not to say - no increament in salary and prospects - and I handed in the letter later than I should.

But I will say, all turns out the right timing. For me to recharge, start anew in 2024.

I can say that new 30s, new year, new me.

I flew to Bangkok in the morning of 2 Jan 2024, spent sometime with my fam on new year but thats about it. Then to Taiwan for a week, and Indonesia for another week, then Tokyo and returned from 2 weeks Canada and California trip not long ago. Trips were a mix of solo, with friend, family.

I thought a lot during my trips.

I have increasing craving for personal autonomy and interacting with like-minded individuals broaden my perspective.

They asked "What's stopping you?".

To be honest, nothing.

The asian in me is limiting myself.

I am seeing the world in the stereotypical right and wrong lens.

In reality, there are no right or wrongs, people create rules, people break away from rules. One cannot just expect something from others and no one can expect anything of me.

I want to explore the world next, I want to go global.

The missing 2 years

 I chanced upon this abandoned Blogger account while reading some fanfics and spoilers online. I am surprised Blogger is still... alive and doing good.

Lets see, my last post was 2018 (a grand 2 years plus). On general daily basis, life is mundane but in summary, a lot of change happened to me and so here am I doing this posting for the record to my future me! Maybe I will look back here 2 years later and reminisce on my youth.

I am turning 27 soon! I am already not within the 18 - 24 years old range when filling survey forms ouch. Funny thing is, age does not seem to catch up much on me yet, except I am gaining weight, everything else is still same. Stamina increased, more durability, climbed at least 3 mountains! I love this achievement~ 

Sometime in 2019, I got out of a relationship and I had not looked back since. It was the best decision I've ever made that made such good impact on my well being. I do not think I am unwell, but I might just reject people trying to get into my life. I don't know honestly.

At the same time, I graduated with a degree in Mathematics in 2019! And I am not so proud to say I got no honors, I could had put in more effort in my first year! But now the certificate still has little to do with my job (yes, I am still at the same job since 2017).

I am also secretly pleased that I had not take a industry switch last October. Although it was a company in my to-work list, it is a travel related company, and this whole year has people keeping their toes on since coronavirus. It did huge impact to the travel and tourism industry. Not sure happy or sad that I have to halt my grand plans and continue in this company for now. I guess more time for me to figure out my future? 

 

Just Between Lovers

This is probably the most realistic yet beautiful piece of Korean drama I had ever watch in my whole 25 years of my life.

So simple, so fine, so SMOOTH. <3 p="">
The screenplay, directing, actors and even the OST just fits soooo perfectly. They can win an award for this really. The little details too, they are just perfect. It is like watching a masterpiece in the end.

They do not need to have good-looking actors, they do not need to have extravagant clothing. They just have to be real. And can I emphasis how real this drama is?

1. THEY LEADS USED FREAKING OLD OUTDATED PHONES. DUDE, THE DETAILS!! The phone have cracks on the screen after it dropped several times and they are using the freaking same phone towards the end!!!

2. PLUS, the messages on the phone synced. IM DED. I CANT. Like you know other dramas always just start the text with blank screens? Geddit?

How does one goes into such fine details omg... This one, I have to salute the whole production team for this. Up to the littlest detail, they took care of it 101%.

In the drama, the leads are suppose to be leading a lower than average life staying in rented apartment and rundown motel and yes, they use like outdated phones which makes perfect sense, they have minimal makeup and not even branded clothings. Pity the actors but heck, they are GOLD. Their acting is SUPERB. These are the things that makes this perfect.

Unlike all the other Korean dramas... Especially The Heirs... I know the girl is really poor but somehow she got the latest mobile, nice makeup and even designer shoe???
LOL I don't even have the latest phone and designer shoes/bag! Hahaha... #nokdramalogic this one.

3. It is not so romantic, not so hot guys, not even a bright drama but somehow, it captures my heart and soul. Soooo much that I actually feel Moon Soo and Gang Doo's pain wtf. They have minimal dialogue... That is the best part. The ambience and OST man... All the feels... They act directly for your heart to see omgggg. I loveeeee it.

4. I have no idea if there will be another drama like them? RN Hwayugi is interesting at the start but the mid part is getting messy and other than Seung Gi, idk why should I rush that drama for. #shrugs

So guys, you just have to watch "Just between lovers" by JTBC. They deserve an award!

Rest

I want a break from everywhere. I want to just do what I want and not what people want. I know I live in a world filled with people but sometimes I wish I can just isolate myself and rest...

Attending social gatherings in groups to 捧场 seems redundant to me. Ahh I would love to keep 25th Dec and 1st Jan to myself. I do not need celebrations. I just want to rest!! Stay locked up to recharge myself.

I think it is not normal but I don't think this issue of mine is serious to the extend of needing medical help?? (My mum thinks I need some professional help for thinking this way?????)

Well... i am just an introvert and why can't you all understand??? 😥

Excuses to myself

Yes. I have a list of excuses to justify my doings just to make me feel better; for not exercising as regularly, for not revising after each lessons, for not waking up just 10 mins earlier, for not eating cleaner etc.

You know, deep down in my mind, whenever I had to find a reason to justify myself, all came out were excuses. Thoughts like "give my muscles a break", "i need more sleep", "no time to do it" etc are just me being lazy!

Very well I am sure that I can afford a 30mins run every work night even if I reached back at only 9pm. Comon... from 9pm till 11pm, most of the time i will be just surfing net and watching shows online aimlessly? Aka sloth my life away. 30mins to run is not going to rob much of my time anyways am i right?

So now I have come on terms with my excuses - i shall not justify my doings. I know i do not work out hard enough so i admit i am getting fatter. I know i do not revise everyday after my lessons so i deserve it when i fail / have troubles with my exams. I know i do not put in effort to my study so that explains why i have a bad brain etc.

I tend to be harsh on myself because of expectations but when you have justifications, you will loose all that expectations. Not sure who else agrees that we are actually making excuses if we need justifications to much of the things we do.

Well, time to move on to a no excuse life! Honestly i am tired thinking of making excuses where i already know the real reason behind the happenings HAHA. Just to please myself maybe?