A vision. “let’s get real”.

I am ready to invite a relationship grounded in trust, rooted in growth, and filled with laughter.

I want to feel deeply supported, genuinely understood, and constantly inspired—not just by who my partner is, but by how we show up together.

The connection I’m calling in is both playful and profound—a relationship where we can be lighthearted and laugh, but also explore the depths of who we are, together. I desire a partnership that is spiritually aligned, where we share not just dreams but a sense of purpose.

I see us as ambitious teammates, building something bigger than ourselves—something that grows from mutual encouragement, creativity, and accountability.

I may not yet know everything I’m ready to offer, but I’m open. I’m willing to learn. I’m showing up with curiosity, honesty, and the intention to give from a place of integrity. That’s where my offering begins.

What does a relationship mean?

After four relationships, I still find myself at a familiar crossroads of self-reflection - how one should feel in a relationship or sustain it, just as with my previous relationships.

Perhaps the issue isn't about giving "too much" or "too little," but rather how I've approached relationships as transactions.

Should we give as much as we take? Or do we give and simply embrace what comes? Where is the balance of not becoming the one who loves too much?

I was afraid of becoming one who loves too much, and I was not one to begin with.

I've always treated each relationship as a transaction.

After all, as someone who doesn't want a family, my alternative is to live life as fulfilling as possible with the resources I've created. Nothing is more fulfilling than me loving myself and giving myself the best.

Is this the main reason why each relationship fails? Contented from self fulfilment surely does not help I guess? The couples whom stays together, are still together, how do they do it? The couples who gives as much as they could, how selfless can they be?

Maybe the path forward isn't calculating what's "fair" but rather asking: What would it feel like to give without expectation? To be present without thinking about what I'm getting in return?

But I cannot do it. At least, I do not feel my approach is wrong. Probably I have not met someone with the same idealogy, someone whose values truly align. To me, I love myself more and at times like this, it makes me stronger than before.

I met my younger self today

She chose a fancy cafe.
I am more particular on the taste.

She had colourful drink and fancy big breakfast.
I had crossiant and ice Americano.

Her choice of bright red hair and highlights.
My ash brown hair stays neat and simple.

She was in floral and heels.
I am just in neutrals and flats.
"You do not need anymore height babe."

She took every photo possible, of food and selfie.
I basked in the present, people watch.

"I regret not continuing arts," she said.
"Hahaha, you will graduate in Mathematics." I replied.

Her eyes sparkle, talking about her first job, at 21.
I knew about the retrenchment ahead.

"I want a Valentine's bouquet."
"Chill. It will come, but it matter less than you think."

"How do people do things alone?"
"You'll find peace in solitude."

But some things never change.

We both swipe right on life and love,
Neither of us settles,
This remains constant.

She wondered about making the right choices.
I wondered if she will be proud of me. 🤷

Her laughter, her spirit, warms me up.
And that familar goodbye hug?

Maybe we'll have coffee again. ☕ 

4 Years update

3 months into 2024 - Turning 31, in a mid-life crisis (that is assuming my lifespan is 60), quitted my toxic job and travelled for 2 months.

From 2020 to 2023 was uneventful with the same job, increasing toxic environment and not to say - no increament in salary and prospects - and I handed in the letter later than I should.

But I will say, all turns out the right timing. For me to recharge, start anew in 2024.

I can say that new 30s, new year, new me.

I flew to Bangkok in the morning of 2 Jan 2024, spent sometime with my fam on new year but thats about it. Then to Taiwan for a week, and Indonesia for another week, then Tokyo and returned from 2 weeks Canada and California trip not long ago. Trips were a mix of solo, with friend, family.

I thought a lot during my trips.

I have increasing craving for personal autonomy and interacting with like-minded individuals broaden my perspective.

They asked "What's stopping you?".

To be honest, nothing.

The asian in me is limiting myself.

I am seeing the world in the stereotypical right and wrong lens.

In reality, there are no right or wrongs, people create rules, people break away from rules. One cannot just expect something from others and no one can expect anything of me.

I want to explore the world next, I want to go global.

The missing 2 years

 I chanced upon this abandoned Blogger account while reading some fanfics and spoilers online. I am surprised Blogger is still... alive and doing good.

Lets see, my last post was 2018 (a grand 2 years plus). On general daily basis, life is mundane but in summary, a lot of change happened to me and so here am I doing this posting for the record to my future me! Maybe I will look back here 2 years later and reminisce on my youth.

I am turning 27 soon! I am already not within the 18 - 24 years old range when filling survey forms ouch. Funny thing is, age does not seem to catch up much on me yet, except I am gaining weight, everything else is still same. Stamina increased, more durability, climbed at least 3 mountains! I love this achievement~ 

Sometime in 2019, I got out of a relationship and I had not looked back since. It was the best decision I've ever made that made such good impact on my well being. I do not think I am unwell, but I might just reject people trying to get into my life. I don't know honestly.

At the same time, I graduated with a degree in Mathematics in 2019! And I am not so proud to say I got no honors, I could had put in more effort in my first year! But now the certificate still has little to do with my job (yes, I am still at the same job since 2017).

I am also secretly pleased that I had not take a industry switch last October. Although it was a company in my to-work list, it is a travel related company, and this whole year has people keeping their toes on since coronavirus. It did huge impact to the travel and tourism industry. Not sure happy or sad that I have to halt my grand plans and continue in this company for now. I guess more time for me to figure out my future? 

 

Just Between Lovers

This is probably the most realistic yet beautiful piece of Korean drama I had ever watch in my whole 25 years of my life.

So simple, so fine, so SMOOTH. <3 p="">
The screenplay, directing, actors and even the OST just fits soooo perfectly. They can win an award for this really. The little details too, they are just perfect. It is like watching a masterpiece in the end.

They do not need to have good-looking actors, they do not need to have extravagant clothing. They just have to be real. And can I emphasis how real this drama is?

1. THEY LEADS USED FREAKING OLD OUTDATED PHONES. DUDE, THE DETAILS!! The phone have cracks on the screen after it dropped several times and they are using the freaking same phone towards the end!!!

2. PLUS, the messages on the phone synced. IM DED. I CANT. Like you know other dramas always just start the text with blank screens? Geddit?

How does one goes into such fine details omg... This one, I have to salute the whole production team for this. Up to the littlest detail, they took care of it 101%.

In the drama, the leads are suppose to be leading a lower than average life staying in rented apartment and rundown motel and yes, they use like outdated phones which makes perfect sense, they have minimal makeup and not even branded clothings. Pity the actors but heck, they are GOLD. Their acting is SUPERB. These are the things that makes this perfect.

Unlike all the other Korean dramas... Especially The Heirs... I know the girl is really poor but somehow she got the latest mobile, nice makeup and even designer shoe???
LOL I don't even have the latest phone and designer shoes/bag! Hahaha... #nokdramalogic this one.

3. It is not so romantic, not so hot guys, not even a bright drama but somehow, it captures my heart and soul. Soooo much that I actually feel Moon Soo and Gang Doo's pain wtf. They have minimal dialogue... That is the best part. The ambience and OST man... All the feels... They act directly for your heart to see omgggg. I loveeeee it.

4. I have no idea if there will be another drama like them? RN Hwayugi is interesting at the start but the mid part is getting messy and other than Seung Gi, idk why should I rush that drama for. #shrugs

So guys, you just have to watch "Just between lovers" by JTBC. They deserve an award!

Rest

I want a break from everywhere. I want to just do what I want and not what people want. I know I live in a world filled with people but sometimes I wish I can just isolate myself and rest...

Attending social gatherings in groups to 捧场 seems redundant to me. Ahh I would love to keep 25th Dec and 1st Jan to myself. I do not need celebrations. I just want to rest!! Stay locked up to recharge myself.

I think it is not normal but I don't think this issue of mine is serious to the extend of needing medical help?? (My mum thinks I need some professional help for thinking this way?????)

Well... i am just an introvert and why can't you all understand??? 😥

Excuses to myself

Yes. I have a list of excuses to justify my doings just to make me feel better; for not exercising as regularly, for not revising after each lessons, for not waking up just 10 mins earlier, for not eating cleaner etc.

You know, deep down in my mind, whenever I had to find a reason to justify myself, all came out were excuses. Thoughts like "give my muscles a break", "i need more sleep", "no time to do it" etc are just me being lazy!

Very well I am sure that I can afford a 30mins run every work night even if I reached back at only 9pm. Comon... from 9pm till 11pm, most of the time i will be just surfing net and watching shows online aimlessly? Aka sloth my life away. 30mins to run is not going to rob much of my time anyways am i right?

So now I have come on terms with my excuses - i shall not justify my doings. I know i do not work out hard enough so i admit i am getting fatter. I know i do not revise everyday after my lessons so i deserve it when i fail / have troubles with my exams. I know i do not put in effort to my study so that explains why i have a bad brain etc.

I tend to be harsh on myself because of expectations but when you have justifications, you will loose all that expectations. Not sure who else agrees that we are actually making excuses if we need justifications to much of the things we do.

Well, time to move on to a no excuse life! Honestly i am tired thinking of making excuses where i already know the real reason behind the happenings HAHA. Just to please myself maybe?

A month to remember

It is barely mid-month and I felt like I can't go on till the end of month.

1. my exams are coming and I am always awed by how the exam questions varies much from my textbook and quizzes. By difference, I mean A LOT. e.g.

In textbookDraw an abacus machine with the following:
Max ( [m] , [n] ) -> m
Min ( [m] , [n] ) -> n
n-m -> p
In QuizDraw an abacus machine with the following:
2m + Max ( [m] , [n] ) -> m
| [m] - [n] | - Min ( [m] , [n] ) -> n
n-m -> p
In ExamDraw an abacus machine with the following:
Max ( [m] , [n] ) -> m
| [n] + [m] | + Min ( [m] , [n] ) -> p
1 -> n

Look... Same same but different. HOW THE HELL DID THE 1 COME ABOUT?? No one went thru examples with that scenario. Also did I mention, my lecturer uses a totally new method to teach and now I can't even follow my textbook because I know nuts. Google only shows you the chart but I need to draft a table out with it!

2. Singtel singtel... Down again and downtown 36 hours. Seems like they say they are not doing anything and not directly their fault from Singtel blah blah. This is so frustrating!!!

3. I got cut by a quite rusty garden cutter on my finger. Lucky I have my injections done on 2012 so heng... Last 10 years iirc.

4. Work is as usual sooooo intense.

5. Carouseller, ghosted upon my VERY FIRST BUY. User sharencare, took $50 and poof away with the 2 vintage mickey puzzles!

6. 1111 sales, I wanna buy something but I guess this is not my priority as for now. I got point 1 to 5 (not limited to) to settle. Can I faint now? It is as if a problem every 2 days!!

7. My manager is moving on to the next career after 7th Dec. SO HOW NOW WHAT. Noooooooo!!

8. My office toilet got mozzies? =.=

About sizes and fitness

Living in Singapore, where girls are at average height of 155cm and 45kg, here I am, 168cm and near 60kg wtf. My skinniest was at 55kg in my poly days! Where I have fats all over me. I mean REAL jingling fats under my arms, my waist, my thighs and even my calves fml.

Now I have way lesser fats around my waist and arms and close to 0 fats at my thighs and calves, my weight boomz near 5kg. WHAT IS THIS!! I know muscle weigh more than fats but this is too cruel for me in a judging society sobs.

In Asia, wide hips, big legs are labeled fat. Did you see all the taobao models? STICK THIN LEGS AND BAMBOO WASIT omg... I can be double of them.

I am not born stick thin. You can strip me off my meat and I can tell you that my bone structure is bigger than the others and hence I am not label thin and will always be judged. Fun fact... I have really not much fats at my hips and elbow and knee!! But somehow these are the ones that made me look fat fml.

It is sooo hard to not look fat around others tbh... I am easily a head taller than people and it will not make sense for me to be the same size as them right? (168cm but 45kg... Though how I wish I was... I can be a size 0 model then)

If you see Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez together, you can see that Taylor is not thin at all. She is a giant... And yes I feel like a giant being sooo tall in pictures. It makes things worst when you take pictures with a bunch of petite people. T____T

My main point is... How one link sizes to fitness. I tell you, these 2 are not the same. Some people who stayed the same despite having no exercise, you can say that they have good metabolism and good genes. While some just a bit lacking... Like me... No good metabolism and genes.

Nowadays there are many underlying disease that even skinny people get! They have fats around their organs. More details http://time.com/14407/the-hidden-dangers-of-skinny-fat/. Yes skinny fat! Just because they do not look fat, people assume fit which is totally not the same.

All athletes, they are not thin. They are fit. Look at ballerinas, they have strong and calves thicker than me for all the pointe they do. They need that muscles. Swimmers have board arms, they need it. Tennis players have strong arms and thighs!

Ok but I am neither athlete nor dancer so I have to tone down to maybe gymnastic size fml. I have zero idea how while I am running and doing planks often... I think it surely didn't help in making my limbs slim...

HOW HOW HOW??? I wanna be stick thin... Even Gigi Hadid, people say that she do not and is not a standard for a model. I mean oh my god... She is so fit yet she gets criticized????? They world should get a lesson on what is THIN vs FIT and the importance of the latter.

This post started when I realized the girls in my office wears size XS - S and I am so conscious about it... I am a head taller and bigger than them fml.

Giving Up

At times like this, I wonder why do I get started on this? I could had choose an easy life; surfing the net everyday and just go on with work.

Just I always ask myself... For goodness sake, for my sanity, why do I take up school in MATH and now PROGRAMMING and make myself crazily stressed up (what the hell is wrong with this C++) while I am a full time designer?

Just...

WHY. =_____=

But I cannot give up. Somewhere in my mind, I said I wanted this. Somewhere in my mind, I said I can and somewhere in my mind this stubbornness decide to make things real. #ultimatefacepalm #stress

How do I even get started on this? I do not know what I don't know (in C++). I thought the logic and concept is there but the syntax and callings are wrong. I am too embarrassed to face my lecturer because I had not been a good student. I eat in class and use my phone sometimes...

My stubbornness is holding onto this... AND I AM SERIOUSLY GOING TO GET INTO TROUBLE ONE DAY. I failed one module and how many more must I fail?

Goodbye my First Love

I finally saw you. You still look the same as you were 14 years ago. No you will not remember me. You are just someone I liked when I was 10. It was a one sided puppy love for you, one sided admiration for you. You are so cool, so swift, so talented.

Though we barely crossed paths since you graduated, I am still glad that I once knew you. :)

And then 14 years forward, I saw you. Finally... I knew it was you from far. You are still the same, that smile and gentle voice of yours.

You are with a girl, maybe your girlfriend / fiancee / wife shopping for groceries. You both look so fine and matching. I am so happy for you. After seeing you again, after 14 years, I can finally close the wonderings about you for the past years.

I used to wonder about how you are doing and how will you grow up to be. Now I saw you, I am glad you are doing well in live. :)

Guess what, you kinda motivated me during my pri school days. Thank you for that. Thank you for letting me see you again. Stay happy always yea?

Inspirations

I had a lot of post inspiration but because of #schedules and #busy-ness, I forgot what I wanted to post about. Oh well, why am I so busy and mentally drained? It has been a week or two after my exam??

I need a break man...

Time of the year

The major time of the year - Mathematics exam. #rollseyes

Yea I know I am asking for it. Design student studying Mathematics. #rollseye again. I had been complaining and whining all the time for the past 2 weeks. I have no confidence that I will pass all... Not to mention a bare minimum 40%.

How do Fourier series work? For god's sake, why do Fourier found such discoveries?? Can you please enlighten me in my dreams? Intensive mentoring session before Monday. Thanks.

Anyway, at the rate I am going, I am going to repeat all my modules. #bawlseyesout

I procrastinated wayyy to much and no one is blessing me enough to pass omg. Yah I am blaming on external forces now. Bwahh...

Prepare to fail, prepare to repeat... Prepare to work hard... (That comes... last.... LOL. What is hard work??!)

But I swear, this is the first time I studied so hard... To the extent that my mum kinda got a bit scared at my study rate... For the 23 years of my life, I had not study till late night at all... Now here I am... I am studying to late nights. =_____= Talk about a twist of fate... Interesting transformation ah...

2016 resolution review

With 66 days to 2017, let me look back at my 3016 resolutions. Did I fulfil or start on any??!

Lets see... Grabbed this from my Jan 6 post.

1. Branch out on sports - OH supposed to have a rock climbing but I guess that didn't happened.... Well... Still half fucked running. 
2. GPA 4 - No. Got C and Ds instead.
3. Be punctual - Guess somehow this is a yes?
4. Maintain a good posture - In progress
5. Eat less desserts - IDK
6. Travel twice - Taiwan in April, Japan in end Dec. ok can strike off this.
7. Save up the xxx amount - Not much movement at all. #rollseye
8. Enter stock market - Got the account but have no progress wtf.
9. Have a saving plans/ future plans - Nothing.
10. Growth in career - It is still in a maze.

SEE. I didn't fulfil any. Are these difficult to achieve ? No right? Frankly speaking these are not sky high targets. It should be the things I need to be constantly doing.

Things like GPA... Do I need a resolution to make sure I hit a 4??! Oh gosh. Others too. So mad at myself. So so so mad.

Love, selfless or selfish?

Declaring love publicly for someone might be a sweet, romantic and selfless gesture but don't you find it rather selfish at the same time? Selfless because your lover is everything to you, you are everything to your lover. Selfish because your lover is off limits to others and in other words, warning strangers to ward off, less the exposure to new acquaintances. How brutal is that?

Taking lions for example, the lion can have many lioness but the lioness only has one lion. How sad and unfair is that? Do lions feel? Do they even love? The lioness is selfless but lion is awfully selfish. 

I have no objections on my partner selflessly publicly declaring love for me but sometimes I wonder if this selfless act of him might be due to a bit of selfishness? Hmm. Well, maybe I should not think too much into it.

Just want to ask myself why do I even think of this fml seriously. Logical, too damn logical. Damnit.

Just want to let the whole world know that...

I will be turning 24 in 5 days time.

Not even sure who will be passing by this little space of mine but I am happy to share this joy to anyone who sees it in the future.

May I grow motivated and clever please. And also prettier. :D May the one reading this be too!

I am speechless

Some days, I am just soooooooo amazed by how certain things happened that way. I am utterly speechless. Am I being used? I highly suspected that I am fml but life still goes on right? People who are negative to me, just roll away please.

Got used BUT DON'T LET THAT AFFECT YOU. Go on with your plan, never change the plan just to tolerate whatever drama or shit is given... Unless it sounds really urgent and legit lah. If not... NONONO. Like my boss said, don't don't. Everything must black and white and signed!

A letter to someone I used to be almost close with

Dearest,

We used to be so close, we used to share the bulk of our times together; you used to include me in every part of your life, things went so well till I thought maybe I should give it a push and work it out. All went well until you decided it was time to let it all go.

No warnings, so sudden, I was not part of your life anymore.

Remember when we used to brainstorm on where shall we backpack to? We had sooooo many backpacking plans. Well, I am going to execute them out without your presence now. Youth waits for no one.

Remember when you used to ask me to support you for a competition if you made it into the finals? I said yes and I was rooting all the way for you but you did not make it. #sadbutlifegoeson I said.

Now all past and I grew to believe that fun times don't last, at least not with you. Now you are coming back to me, asking me back to your life. Sorry but no. Are we even that close in the past? No. Not at all. Back then, I am all your life but sorry to say you are not all my life.

For the times you are not there, I had my life filled with wonderful moments that you could not fulfill. Now that you are not on my mind anymore, everything seems easier and I have all the freedom I want.

Please stop asking me into your life. I do not like how you desperately wants us to work it out. It makes you look sad and pitiful. Go away, far and beyond. And PLEASE do not interfere with my life anymore. I have no thoughts about going to your life or letting you into my life.

-end-

Somehow Taylor Swift's Love Story came in my mind lmao.

10+1 Questions

Hey there,

Are you still out in the seas?

Are you safely back in your crib?

Are you feeling bright about your future?

Are you happy emotionally?

Are you still working hard to fund your dreams?

Do you have friends?

What do you do with them?

What are your learning everyday?

Do you actually believe in YOLO?

Do we have the same wavelength?

Bonus Question:

Who are you to me?