About sizes and fitness

Living in Singapore, where girls are at average height of 155cm and 45kg, here I am, 168cm and near 60kg wtf. My skinniest was at 55kg in my poly days! Where I have fats all over me. I mean REAL jingling fats under my arms, my waist, my thighs and even my calves fml.

Now I have way lesser fats around my waist and arms and close to 0 fats at my thighs and calves, my weight boomz near 5kg. WHAT IS THIS!! I know muscle weigh more than fats but this is too cruel for me in a judging society sobs.

In Asia, wide hips, big legs are labeled fat. Did you see all the taobao models? STICK THIN LEGS AND BAMBOO WASIT omg... I can be double of them.

I am not born stick thin. You can strip me off my meat and I can tell you that my bone structure is bigger than the others and hence I am not label thin and will always be judged. Fun fact... I have really not much fats at my hips and elbow and knee!! But somehow these are the ones that made me look fat fml.

It is sooo hard to not look fat around others tbh... I am easily a head taller than people and it will not make sense for me to be the same size as them right? (168cm but 45kg... Though how I wish I was... I can be a size 0 model then)

If you see Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez together, you can see that Taylor is not thin at all. She is a giant... And yes I feel like a giant being sooo tall in pictures. It makes things worst when you take pictures with a bunch of petite people. T____T

My main point is... How one link sizes to fitness. I tell you, these 2 are not the same. Some people who stayed the same despite having no exercise, you can say that they have good metabolism and good genes. While some just a bit lacking... Like me... No good metabolism and genes.

Nowadays there are many underlying disease that even skinny people get! They have fats around their organs. More details http://time.com/14407/the-hidden-dangers-of-skinny-fat/. Yes skinny fat! Just because they do not look fat, people assume fit which is totally not the same.

All athletes, they are not thin. They are fit. Look at ballerinas, they have strong and calves thicker than me for all the pointe they do. They need that muscles. Swimmers have board arms, they need it. Tennis players have strong arms and thighs!

Ok but I am neither athlete nor dancer so I have to tone down to maybe gymnastic size fml. I have zero idea how while I am running and doing planks often... I think it surely didn't help in making my limbs slim...

HOW HOW HOW??? I wanna be stick thin... Even Gigi Hadid, people say that she do not and is not a standard for a model. I mean oh my god... She is so fit yet she gets criticized????? They world should get a lesson on what is THIN vs FIT and the importance of the latter.

This post started when I realized the girls in my office wears size XS - S and I am so conscious about it... I am a head taller and bigger than them fml.

Giving Up

At times like this, I wonder why do I get started on this? I could had choose an easy life; surfing the net everyday and just go on with work.

Just I always ask myself... For goodness sake, for my sanity, why do I take up school in MATH and now PROGRAMMING and make myself crazily stressed up (what the hell is wrong with this C++) while I am a full time designer?

Just...

WHY. =_____=

But I cannot give up. Somewhere in my mind, I said I wanted this. Somewhere in my mind, I said I can and somewhere in my mind this stubbornness decide to make things real. #ultimatefacepalm #stress

How do I even get started on this? I do not know what I don't know (in C++). I thought the logic and concept is there but the syntax and callings are wrong. I am too embarrassed to face my lecturer because I had not been a good student. I eat in class and use my phone sometimes...

My stubbornness is holding onto this... AND I AM SERIOUSLY GOING TO GET INTO TROUBLE ONE DAY. I failed one module and how many more must I fail?

Goodbye my First Love

I finally saw you. You still look the same as you were 14 years ago. No you will not remember me. You are just someone I liked when I was 10. It was a one sided puppy love for you, one sided admiration for you. You are so cool, so swift, so talented.

Though we barely crossed paths since you graduated, I am still glad that I once knew you. :)

And then 14 years forward, I saw you. Finally... I knew it was you from far. You are still the same, that smile and gentle voice of yours.

You are with a girl, maybe your girlfriend / fiancee / wife shopping for groceries. You both look so fine and matching. I am so happy for you. After seeing you again, after 14 years, I can finally close the wonderings about you for the past years.

I used to wonder about how you are doing and how will you grow up to be. Now I saw you, I am glad you are doing well in live. :)

Guess what, you kinda motivated me during my pri school days. Thank you for that. Thank you for letting me see you again. Stay happy always yea?

No love at all

What a heart-warming scene i saw today on the way back.

I noticed this lady in front of me, pulling a long face throughout the short LRT ride. She might have a shitty day at work (I totally understand). So she alighted at the same stop as me, so I was behind her while taking the stairs down.

At the exit, there's this dad with a toddler (1 year old probably?). And guess what's next? When the toddler saw the lady, he screamed and smile so loudly "Mama!" and waddle to the lady. The lady, upon seeing her kid, broke into a huge smile. At this instance, you can really see her cheerfulness and probably she feels like the happiest lady in the world. All her shitty day at work is forgotten and all she does was to kiss the toddler a lot and smile and laugh.

Such a sweet sight to see. ♥︎

This got me thinking why I hate going home to my family so much.

1. I don't feel appreciated at all. Everything that I do is taken for granted, it is something that I NEED to do. It is no longer things that I can choose not to do.

For example when I reach home late, I am forced to say where I went to and who I went with. Saying "I went out" is not acceptable. Talking freely at home is also prohibited. We have to say the politically correct phrases to risk getting nagged for being immature and naive. FINE. Even if I asked "Who ate my food" is also prohibited and deemed as FUCKING RUDE, especially in front of strangers, eg, my brother's girlfriend.

2. There is no warmth in the family. Every moment is chaos with loud TV/ iPad /games/ loud sounds including conversations. Every sentence sounds like a fight, even for good news. They are just loud. Only loud and noisy. Even when you say happily "I AM HOME.", nobody looks up at you, nobody replies "Welcome back".

All the do was to reply "Where you went" or worst, greeted with silences other than TV/iPad sounds. Mind you, they are freaking in the living room. Just no one bothers to look at me other than to demand my whereabouts.

In other words, they are controlling.

If they could even smile happily or at least say "Welcome back", I would not had hate my house that much. How do you expect me to force a smile to be greeted with a black face or to be ignored?

I attempted in making my home entrance appearance lively but that doesn't work out. I got ignored.
I attempted in making jokes and be the joker at home but all I got was being criticized as immature, naive, childish or saying politically wrong answers.

If you ignore a kid's attempt to make you happy, would the kid still try? Maybe they will but not on the long run. That applies to adults too. We are all humans who needs to be appreciated in life.

So what for I return to a noisy family who knows and reacts to nothing but to only control and manipulate me?

Gosh typing this makes me what to cry.

My parents do not trust me at all

My parents do not trust me at all.

Long day from the South to North East and all you asked me was "Am i with Joseph today" and asking me tons of questions that makes me feel fucking invaded in personal privacy and it sounds like you all are all against me in a relationship or i am a fucking retard.

  我受够了。您已经过了您应有的界限，把我给逼到快崩溃的一个阶段。您轻易打断您对我的信任与尊严。原来你们把我看得那么低吗？Am i worth not even that bit of trust in your eyes?

If you all do not trust me, who the hell will even trust me? If they trust me more, it makes you all fucking fail as my parents. It just means that you all failed in bringing me up morally and resulting in you all having doubts in my judgement. It reflects a lot on your teaching too. A failed child is a result of failed parenting.

So can't you all just stfu and believe in me and stop fucking annoying me every single time and ffs stop all the stereotypical mindset. 21st century, girls are capable of breaking a guys heart and we are not some fucking 弱女子 ok.

Overly concerned parents

All the time Sometimes (just not to sound that bad), I wished that I was someone without a guardian or I have guardians that heck care about the life I lead. My parents, they are way too concerned about my life, to the fact that they are disturbing my pace in life and restricting my freedom to do things freely without being judged.

I have no boyfriend, they asked with concern if everything was right to the extent that mum virtually thought I had one. Now I have a boyfriend, she asked this all the time, "SO, you love your boyfriend?". I mean, WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS??

So to her, it means that my love is greater than his love for me just because I am fetching him at the airport. Please, it is 2016 now and it does not mean anything when a girl sends / fetches their boyfriend. It is completely normal, whoever is free will be able to do it. Comon, be cool about it. It means absolutely nothing.

Every single movement, I will have to keep her in the loop. Where I went, who I went out with, what I DID, she just wants to poke her nose in. Vaguely saying "Hanging out with friends shopping and dinnering and talk cock sing song" is already pushing my limits. Now, whenever I go out with the BOYFRIEND, SHE HAS TO KNOW WHAT WE DID AND ATE. I MEAN. MUMMY STOP BEING SUCH A BUSY BODYYYY. I do not what you to know what I did in detail. I am already being kind by letting you know that I am going out to xxx. That is all that I can tolerate. Anything more, you are pushing my privacy and limits.

So stop being so concern about me. You being so overy concern just shows one thing - you do not trust me and my judgement at all. Can you all, mum, dad and bro, be quiet and just fuck care about me? I do not need to answer your needless questions on where I just came back from. It is understandable that I have my life out of home and I am not doing illegal activities. That is all you all need to know about your daughter so can you please untie her and let her do the things she wants to freely?

Do not be soooo obsessed about my life, it is not like you both provide any insights to it. You all are just judgmental and too conservative ffs. Unless I am an idiot, I don't think I should be subjected to all your questions on my private life.

I am not unfilial or rebellious, just seriously stop poking your nose into my business. One day I will just do all the things just to make you all flip... For example, not telling you about my trip until 2 hours before my flight~ Or that I found and am going to move out, ciao~

Being concerned about my life is not doing anything good but making it really bad.

Inspirations

I had a lot of post inspiration but because of #schedules and #busy-ness, I forgot what I wanted to post about. Oh well, why am I so busy and mentally drained? It has been a week or two after my exam??

I need a break man...