Excuses to myself

Yes. I have a list of excuses to justify my doings just to make me feel better; for not exercising as regularly, for not revising after each lessons, for not waking up just 10 mins earlier, for not eating cleaner etc.

You know, deep down in my mind, whenever I had to find a reason to justify myself, all came out were excuses. Thoughts like "give my muscles a break", "i need more sleep", "no time to do it" etc are just me being lazy!

Very well I am sure that I can afford a 30mins run every work night even if I reached back at only 9pm. Comon... from 9pm till 11pm, most of the time i will be just surfing net and watching shows online aimlessly? Aka sloth my life away. 30mins to run is not going to rob much of my time anyways am i right?

So now I have come on terms with my excuses - i shall not justify my doings. I know i do not work out hard enough so i admit i am getting fatter. I know i do not revise everyday after my lessons so i deserve it when i fail / have troubles with my exams. I know i do not put in effort to my study so that explains why i have a bad brain etc.

I tend to be harsh on myself because of expectations but when you have justifications, you will loose all that expectations. Not sure who else agrees that we are actually making excuses if we need justifications to much of the things we do.

Well, time to move on to a no excuse life! Honestly i am tired thinking of making excuses where i already know the real reason behind the happenings HAHA. Just to please myself maybe?

A month to remember

It is barely mid-month and I felt like I can't go on till the end of month.

1. my exams are coming and I am always awed by how the exam questions varies much from my textbook and quizzes. By difference, I mean A LOT. e.g.

In textbookDraw an abacus machine with the following:
Max ( [m] , [n] ) -> m
Min ( [m] , [n] ) -> n
n-m -> p
In QuizDraw an abacus machine with the following:
2m + Max ( [m] , [n] ) -> m
| [m] - [n] | - Min ( [m] , [n] ) -> n
n-m -> p
In ExamDraw an abacus machine with the following:
Max ( [m] , [n] ) -> m
| [n] + [m] | + Min ( [m] , [n] ) -> p
1 -> n

Look... Same same but different. HOW THE HELL DID THE 1 COME ABOUT?? No one went thru examples with that scenario. Also did I mention, my lecturer uses a totally new method to teach and now I can't even follow my textbook because I know nuts. Google only shows you the chart but I need to draft a table out with it!

2. Singtel singtel... Down again and downtown 36 hours. Seems like they say they are not doing anything and not directly their fault from Singtel blah blah. This is so frustrating!!!

3. I got cut by a quite rusty garden cutter on my finger. Lucky I have my injections done on 2012 so heng... Last 10 years iirc.

4. Work is as usual sooooo intense.

5. Carouseller, ghosted upon my VERY FIRST BUY. User sharencare, took $50 and poof away with the 2 vintage mickey puzzles!

6. 1111 sales, I wanna buy something but I guess this is not my priority as for now. I got point 1 to 5 (not limited to) to settle. Can I faint now? It is as if a problem every 2 days!!

7. My manager is moving on to the next career after 7th Dec. SO HOW NOW WHAT. Noooooooo!!

8. My office toilet got mozzies? =.=

About sizes and fitness

Living in Singapore, where girls are at average height of 155cm and 45kg, here I am, 168cm and near 60kg wtf. My skinniest was at 55kg in my poly days! Where I have fats all over me. I mean REAL jingling fats under my arms, my waist, my thighs and even my calves fml.

Now I have way lesser fats around my waist and arms and close to 0 fats at my thighs and calves, my weight boomz near 5kg. WHAT IS THIS!! I know muscle weigh more than fats but this is too cruel for me in a judging society sobs.

In Asia, wide hips, big legs are labeled fat. Did you see all the taobao models? STICK THIN LEGS AND BAMBOO WASIT omg... I can be double of them.

I am not born stick thin. You can strip me off my meat and I can tell you that my bone structure is bigger than the others and hence I am not label thin and will always be judged. Fun fact... I have really not much fats at my hips and elbow and knee!! But somehow these are the ones that made me look fat fml.

It is sooo hard to not look fat around others tbh... I am easily a head taller than people and it will not make sense for me to be the same size as them right? (168cm but 45kg... Though how I wish I was... I can be a size 0 model then)

If you see Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez together, you can see that Taylor is not thin at all. She is a giant... And yes I feel like a giant being sooo tall in pictures. It makes things worst when you take pictures with a bunch of petite people. T____T

My main point is... How one link sizes to fitness. I tell you, these 2 are not the same. Some people who stayed the same despite having no exercise, you can say that they have good metabolism and good genes. While some just a bit lacking... Like me... No good metabolism and genes.

Nowadays there are many underlying disease that even skinny people get! They have fats around their organs. More details http://time.com/14407/the-hidden-dangers-of-skinny-fat/. Yes skinny fat! Just because they do not look fat, people assume fit which is totally not the same.

All athletes, they are not thin. They are fit. Look at ballerinas, they have strong and calves thicker than me for all the pointe they do. They need that muscles. Swimmers have board arms, they need it. Tennis players have strong arms and thighs!

Ok but I am neither athlete nor dancer so I have to tone down to maybe gymnastic size fml. I have zero idea how while I am running and doing planks often... I think it surely didn't help in making my limbs slim...

HOW HOW HOW??? I wanna be stick thin... Even Gigi Hadid, people say that she do not and is not a standard for a model. I mean oh my god... She is so fit yet she gets criticized????? They world should get a lesson on what is THIN vs FIT and the importance of the latter.

This post started when I realized the girls in my office wears size XS - S and I am so conscious about it... I am a head taller and bigger than them fml.

Giving Up

At times like this, I wonder why do I get started on this? I could had choose an easy life; surfing the net everyday and just go on with work.

Just I always ask myself... For goodness sake, for my sanity, why do I take up school in MATH and now PROGRAMMING and make myself crazily stressed up (what the hell is wrong with this C++) while I am a full time designer?

Just...

WHY. =_____=

But I cannot give up. Somewhere in my mind, I said I wanted this. Somewhere in my mind, I said I can and somewhere in my mind this stubbornness decide to make things real. #ultimatefacepalm #stress

How do I even get started on this? I do not know what I don't know (in C++). I thought the logic and concept is there but the syntax and callings are wrong. I am too embarrassed to face my lecturer because I had not been a good student. I eat in class and use my phone sometimes...

My stubbornness is holding onto this... AND I AM SERIOUSLY GOING TO GET INTO TROUBLE ONE DAY. I failed one module and how many more must I fail?

Goodbye my First Love

I finally saw you. You still look the same as you were 14 years ago. No you will not remember me. You are just someone I liked when I was 10. It was a one sided puppy love for you, one sided admiration for you. You are so cool, so swift, so talented.

Though we barely crossed paths since you graduated, I am still glad that I once knew you. :)

And then 14 years forward, I saw you. Finally... I knew it was you from far. You are still the same, that smile and gentle voice of yours.

You are with a girl, maybe your girlfriend / fiancee / wife shopping for groceries. You both look so fine and matching. I am so happy for you. After seeing you again, after 14 years, I can finally close the wonderings about you for the past years.

I used to wonder about how you are doing and how will you grow up to be. Now I saw you, I am glad you are doing well in live. :)

Guess what, you kinda motivated me during my pri school days. Thank you for that. Thank you for letting me see you again. Stay happy always yea?

Inspirations

I had a lot of post inspiration but because of #schedules and #busy-ness, I forgot what I wanted to post about. Oh well, why am I so busy and mentally drained? It has been a week or two after my exam??

I need a break man...

Time of the year

The major time of the year - Mathematics exam. #rollseyes

Yea I know I am asking for it. Design student studying Mathematics. #rollseye again. I had been complaining and whining all the time for the past 2 weeks. I have no confidence that I will pass all... Not to mention a bare minimum 40%.

How do Fourier series work? For god's sake, why do Fourier found such discoveries?? Can you please enlighten me in my dreams? Intensive mentoring session before Monday. Thanks.

Anyway, at the rate I am going, I am going to repeat all my modules. #bawlseyesout

I procrastinated wayyy to much and no one is blessing me enough to pass omg. Yah I am blaming on external forces now. Bwahh...

Prepare to fail, prepare to repeat... Prepare to work hard... (That comes... last.... LOL. What is hard work??!)

But I swear, this is the first time I studied so hard... To the extent that my mum kinda got a bit scared at my study rate... For the 23 years of my life, I had not study till late night at all... Now here I am... I am studying to late nights. =_____= Talk about a twist of fate... Interesting transformation ah...