I realized that I do want to be single and free like how I used to be.
Maybe I was rushing. I sent that I wanted to try to be in a serious relationship just for the sake of fulfilling what I had promised him before we became a couple. Actually if I had told him earlier, I would have regret now about words I said. So I am rather glad that I kept it to myself for a longer period of time.
Firstly, after he told me about how weird he feel as a couple with me, I do agree with him. After all, WE BOTH FELT THE SAME WAY. Its weird when I say we are a couple but we did really nothing. Not even holding hands. =A=
Although there is like a million times I wanted to try to hold is hand, I just couldn't do it. I just feel so weird, WEIRD... It will be damn awkward I think! To hold hands like a couple (although we ARE already couple).
Shit I really have no idea what logic am I thinking. This is abnormal.
"Later will he be angry or not?? He will like it or not?? He will scold me or not??"
I swear that was what was in my mind everytime I want to get close to him as a couple. There is THAT barrier keeping us away... =.= Thats like my fault... My weird abnormal logic... =.=
Secondly, never once in my life I initiate doing something physical to a person. (except for hugs to girls or my close cliques) So asking me to hold hand is enough of a big step for me. Whats more if you mention a guy's hand??? And yes not in my life did I even hold hands with my dad. (except when I am young of course) I don't really like the tied down feeling when people just clasp my hand. :<
Thirdly, at the first few weeks of the relationship, I have been wanting to start serious. Hell screw the 1 month promise that I insist on my principle. So I actually waited till that 1 month to tell him. Little did I know that we actually turned a bit distant?? Ever since he came back from his trip. =A= (ok lah I admit I did a lot of wrong things. Seriously wrong things and told at a different timing to make him stress. I DIDN'T KNOW I ACTUALLY DID ALL THAT. T_T)
And also I have the habit of just liking to nag and just want someone to put up with me. So not everyone likes it, NOT everyone. From then, I stared to feel a bit lost in this relationship. I didn't feel that enthusiasm anymore. Both from me and him. .___.
So that is when I started to question if I really want to keep this going or not. And that is when I decided to say I am ready for this relationship after what he had told me on that Tuesday.
A pity is time waits for no one. A drag in planning to tell him that makes so much of a difference.
A difference in my future.
Because of all the thoughts going on in my life, now I really know what I want. I want to be single. And nothing seems to change the day we started the relationship. (at least how I see it, which is a good case IMO) Plus, I can't be bothered to even try being close to him. (its just too weird)
Nobody prompt anything and I just play a silent no ending show of my life.
And LASTLY, for the 41 days, Ken, thank you for everything you did. Good or bad or sad. And also forgive me for ALL the insensitive things I have said and did. I am really sorry!! I didn't know that that will cause so much stress and worry in you. To me it is normal. ;___;
Omg how am I going to pay for that?? My life alone probably won't be enough to pay for all the things that I had said/did to him. Gomenasai!!! T_T *panics* \(x.x\)
Now I am free, I am happy to fly.
Rounds up to this again: I am more assured with the initial idea that I don't want a relationship. Not now at least.