我们戴久了面具。等摘下面具时却发现。我们的脸早就跟面具一样了。。。
If you hold yourself up in that mask too long, when you take of that mask, you realize that you have already become that person...
Which is true in my sense. However it takes a while for me to go back to the way I use to be, depending on the situation and happenings around me.
I have like 3 or more personalities... Good and bad ones. Both very extremes ones.
The very first one will be that I am very fair. I tend to not judge by my feelings. I treat things fairly and no matter how much I hate you, I will still not ignore your helps and all. That is when I am normally fine and provided that you don't make use of my kindness.
Secondly will be that when I lose myself, I will be in extreme mood swing aka bitchy. I say what I like and if I hate it, I don't care who you are, I will just talk you down. Till you shut up. That had happened before and please its not enjoyable on me. Most of the time, this is on impulse. Nothing comes out good from me when I am stubborn, especially I when I am moody. You won't want to try that with me. It will make both patries sad.
Thirdly will be when I think a lot. Recently this personality is sticking on me. I then to cover myself up and think a lot. A lot goes through my mind and I feel a lot. This is seriously not good on me. I won't inflict pain on others but just me. I inflict the pains on to myself. When I have no one to talked to, I will just keep quiet... And dropped down to a corner and seal myself up emotionally. If I find the someone at the right time to talk to, I will just babble everything out. This personality you will see it often from now I guess... Going back to myself back when I was younger... Until everything is fine, I will just stick onto this 'Everything's OK' mask. So when I take of this mask, everything is really OK...
Fourth will be the happy-go-lucky me!! I used to be that a few years back where studies and human relations are as simple as ABC. When restrictions were not that emphasize and life is as joyful with friends. No relationship matters, no stressful academic matters, no irritable social communications... Where I am young and carefree... Now... I seldom feel that coming to me. I still feel that a year ago. Now, not as much. In fact, only sometimes I would feel that relaxed.
The last one will be the most badass me. The devil me. Thinking that everything that is not going my way will have karma. Anyone who make my blood boil will suffer. Especially people who I have just gotten close with. Make me suffer and I will make you suffer a least double of what I feel. I don't care how close you are to me or if I loved you etc. All no exceptions except for the tomodachi groups. The rest I will not care, I will just hurt you if you hurt me that badly. Thats my way of protecting myself. A childish way but do I care? Pay a price for hurting me.
Also I have been hiding my face behind that mask. No one really knows that. Now... I don't feel sincere to new people anymore. I don't feel much joy/sadness anymore. They are more or less numb unless something epic happen. Till then I will just feel nothing. Just express my bright smile and pretend nothing has happen.
Look through my shallow eyes and you will see how I feel like most of the time. A zombie. A lot of things building up for me to face my life as an adult. I am already building up my barrier against the society... Blame me or not, try to bring me out or not, it's not that easy anymore. I tried and I have succeed. It will soon drop back to how I was at first.
So well. Keep on trying Miao Yee. Pull yourself up and hold on to it. If I accept help from someone, I still need to help myself. No one will be that great to hold and grab on to me forever. No one at all. They will soon just grow tired and let go...